Let's Make a Deal – Bargaining with the Unknown

As the more emotional aspects of my personality continue to exert themselves I notice the bargaining process beginning. Discussions with the blg misty unknowable on how to avoid upcoming events. Today was particularity emotional since I was able to visit with my old undergraduate professor and mentor from the 1980's who I had not seen in about a decade. She was in Chicago for the holidays and made a special trip down to visit. I of course cried like a baby at her embrace and we were able to visit for several hours. A major highlight in my day and one I will not forget (literally take to my grave). I appreciated her visit so much and because of her compassion I made through graduate school with a freshly minted PhD many years ago.

My mother came by in-preparation for a visit by Father Mark who administered communion. This was primarily for her benefit but got me tracking on the bargaining process and reinforced the notion that much of this process is about others and my job is to muddle through the tears as best as I can.
You knew, the why me, not now, I did everything according to the book, don't I get a pass? But no, I don't get a pass and like everyone else walks this road alone but surrounded by friends and family.

At this point I don't i'm not sure how I feel about the traditional death watch and must confess a certain ignorance about the process, so I guess some study is in order. Questions like who should be around
, do the kids participate? How boring is the process? Will there be games? I just don't know at this point and perhaps I can evade the question altogether.

As I speak with others who have traveled this road with others i'm amazed at the detailed personal stories and accumulated wisdom i'm hearing but have yet to find a good distillation, so i'll just keep looking.


  1. Dear B. For whatever reasons I haven't logged into your blog for a month or two and when I read this post, I realised that something dramatic must have happened in that period. Of course I read the older posts and got the message.
    I hope it gives you some consolation to know that your blog has been an inspiration for me to visit the bootheel three times in four years, quite unusual for a European who hasn't visited about two-thirds of the US-states at all. The first time was in May 2010, on a bike ride from Tucson to the start of the Great Divide Route in Antelope Wells. We stayed in Portal and wanted to go via Hachita to AW, but in sun-drenched Animas we decided to skip the remote border kiss and head for Lordsburg. In 2012 I came back from finishing the Great Divide route in AW and decided to ride to Tucson over Animas, Douglas, Sierra Vista. It was then that I got a sympathy for the austere beauty of this corner. Back at home I found the Geronimo trail on the map and your aerial pictures made it so appetizing that I came back in 2014 to ride this trail from Douglas to Animas. I crashed where the Cloverdale road changed from dirt to fresh chip-seal, but Dr. Marlene Baska took care of my wounds in the Animas clinic, so that I could ride on to Rodeo to stay the night at DiAnn's. Since then I have been a regular reader of your blog and admire your fabulous pictures of the sky islands.
    I now realise that a copy of your book must serve to keep in touch. I wish you well on your last route.
    Mathieu van Rijswick - Eindhoven, The Netherlands

    1. Marthieu, than you for the kind words. It takes a special kind of person to appreciate the beauty of the boot heel. I look forward to my Asher being returned to the area once this earth suit I wear shuts down . Many find the landscape stark but the what attarqcks me as well as the like minded souls who choose to live there. Please remember to wave on you next pass through the area.

  2. B you have a book?
    to Mathieu - Marlene is a gem, isn't she? We all know her!
    B Alvarius - the bargaining et cetera is normal; its the process we don't know about so that is scary.........but our destination is up to us individually..............

    1. Bargaining was quite a shock, I had not thought about it until the subject came up with the priest. I had not considered it an active part of the process until I reread the stages of dying. Even then I must have missed that one since it did not occur until late in the process

  3. God is still in the miracle business.............

  4. My dear friend, I have not read your blog since my visit last week. You have made me a very happy "old lady" with your kind words. Please know that our visit meant the world to me. Must be some trick of fate (or as we Catholics say - the Holy Spirit) that directed me to delay my usual trip to Illinois from Spring to Fall. Surely wish it would have been under happier circumstances. Would like to share more thoughts with you on what hospice folks call transitioning. Are you up for a call? Would love to continue our visit if only by phone... BTW, you have a very wise friend in pat -